Mike left for the ball park with his friend, Scott so I have today to myself which is good. I don’t mind. I have some things to prepare for next week and I like the quietness of the house. It feels as if I can breathe and relax but I know by the end of the day, I will be happy to see my husband again. We have learned that the cancer has returned and it is more serious as it is in his blood stream. The Doctors told him that the cancer he has is very unusual and only 4 other patients in the VA Hospital in Tampa have it. Eventually, he will be referred to Moffitt Cancer Center. He isn’t on chemo yet but there are some options they are considering and as new discoveries are happening all the time, he may live easily for the next 5-20 years but nothing is a sure shot. The day to day effects are that he is tired and so, am I. Sometimes I get so tired with anxiety over being so healthy.

We don’t know what caused the cancer: he doesn’t smoke or is a heavy drinker and for the most part, we eat healthily. When I am troubled, my husband likes to remind me of this saying he lives by, “Look 360 degrees and 5 layers down.” This is something he was told to practice in training with the military and something he practiced daily as he studied charts, information, photographs looking for information about the Middle East, Korea, and Africa. So, I look at the possible consequences of him dying early and picture the 5 layers deep. It calms me down as we prepare for something one doesn’t know how to prepare for.

I don’t know how to relay information to people I know about the cancer. I started to on my facebook page but I was afraid that I sounded weak, indecisive, and melancholy. Then I was afraid of giving the wrong information and that his family (my stepdaughter) would become upset. So, I end up with saying little because I truly don’t understand even the name of the cancer he has. He doesn’t either. As he left the Doctor’s office, he forgot the name of this rare cancer he has. Half of me feels guilty that I should have gone with him to the VA, but he didn’t want me to. I am happy he is at the game today with his best friend for many years beginning in the military. When I am not sure how to handle something, I get mad quickly and then I blow it off by over compensating. I am sure some of my students figured this out about me. Sometimes the best thing we can do is “swim with the current” and I guess “360 degrees and 5 levels down.”

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